Hi Guys,
Here's a piece for critique. This isn't for Aware 3, just something I've written. Let me know what you think:
Your Love
Your love was a needy child
that cried in my absence;
that waited by the door,
grabbed me by the leg
and wouldn’t let go.
I wasn’t ready to be a parent,
to wipe away your blood
and tears, suckle you
against my breast and
feel replete. I grew tired of
the endless games, the
repetition of nonsense words,
“I love you”, “I love you too” –
“I love you”, “I love you too”.
I sent you away to school.
Now my cries break,
the silence of the night,
and the darkness of the tomb.
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3 comments:
A strong poem. If I'm reading it right the address isn't necessarily a child.
The poem flows well until the last 4 lines. I accept the poem is trying to demonstrate an abrupt cut-off but, in my opinion, this is too jerky. Why not add 'So' before 'I sent you to school', follow it by a stanza break (to demonstrate the cutting off) and then continue. You could add 'But...' to the start of the new 2nd stanza.
I agree with Mistlethrush regarding his/her comments on the last 4 lines. However I really admire people who can write poetry as it is something I was never very good at. It is a VERY good poem.
Thank you both, and welcome to the blog Gareth - I'm glad to see that you found it okay! I'll give some thought to the last lines, I like the idea of the break, which reflects the sudden cut off, both physically and emotionally, and perhaps stupidly.
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