Beware of gifts

(In response to a total absence of reaction to the previous script I posted, here is a sequel scene. As you can see, things get jolly exciting. There are two points of information I would like to add about these scripts - firstly, the story of which they form part was worked out before the scripts were written. Secondly, though each script runs to about a single page (before formatting as a script) I wrote several pages describing to myself the two characters, they relationship to each other and to other charcters not present, ie their parents, their objectives, and, of course, their inside leg measurements. In short, I had a very concrete idea of who these people were and what they were up to before making up a word of dialogue. Only my failing to have actually visited Bosnia prevents me from having a full picture of where they are and what it is like - and I have a relative who has been to this sunny clime I can chat to should I wish to take this story further. Comments, as always, be they ever so hurtful, are welcome. Meanwhile, has anybody else got a script they want to share?)

GRACE: What are you doing back here?
ANDY: We gotta go.
GRACE: Go? Go where?
ANDY: Leave. Leave now!
GRACE: Leave the flat?
ANDY: The flat. The town. This country.
GRACE: Leave Bosnia?
ANDY: At last! I’m getting through.
GRACE: We came here to do a job.
ANDY: And I’ve screwed it up.
GRACE: Why? How?
ANDY: We haven’t time for this.
GRACE: Andy, you’re not making sense.
ANDY: I went to see Voislav.
GRACE: I know – the biggest sex trafficker here.
ANDY: He paid me to see the girl.
GRACE: Aldina? The pregnant girl?
ANDY: He made me talk her into going.
GRACE: So? Is your conscience bothering you?
ANDY: Apparently!
GRACE: What happened?
ANDY: He gave me money… and a gift.
GRACE: What sort of gift?
ANDY: A gun. A pistol.
GRACE: Something for the man who has everything.
ANDY: Then I thought, “I hate this monster.”
GRACE: And?
ANDY: And I shot him.
GRACE: You did what!?
ANDY: I shot him.
GRACE: You twit! You bastard!
ANDY: I know. I just – just lost it.
GRACE: We’re trying to stop a sex trafficker…
ANDY: I know.
GRACE: But not by bloody murdering him.
ANDY: I know! They’ll be after us.
GRACE: You promised our parents we’d be safe.
ANDY: Well, we’re not now.
GRACE: No! Now you’re gonna get us killed.
ANDY: That’s why we have to leave.
GRACE: You were like this as a kid.
ANDY: What?
GRACE: Every Christmas…
ANDY: What are you on about?
GRACE: Someone gave you something you didn’t like…
ANDY: What do you mean?
GRACE: You always threw it back at them!

END OF PIECE

Addendum to the Script / Dialogue Workshop

This a kind of addendum on the Script /Dialogue Workshop example posted by the CADWC Secretary, about to characters called Fred and ‘Ginger.’ I think it is a lovely little scene that works well.

However, I feel readers should be aware that the original version was written under certain restrictions and did not appear in quite this form at first. To explain:

• the scene had to include two characters;
• there were to be no ‘stage’ directions and no scene-setting preamble;
• no speech could be longer than seven words.

As you can imagine, this can seem quite restrictive at first, and yet the beauty of this scene was that it did work perfectly well with dialogue only, and with only short speeches.

This does not mean all screen drama needs to be written like this. It does have the effect, though, of injecting pace into a scene – and that’s important for capturing today’s spoilt-for-choice, remote-control-armed audience.

You might care to try this exercise yourself. Then scrutinise the result to see if it fulfils the fundamental requirements of setting both scene and characters for the reader/audience, as well has having pace. Above all it has attention-grabbing quality that would work both as part of a much larger story and as a ‘micro-story’ in its own right. And don’t you just want to know what happens next?

The idea for this exercise was not mine – like all good ideas, I knicked it from somewhere else – a writing course I had been on, and adapted it. Therefore it seems only fair that I tender my own humble example that I did for that course, and you can make your mind up whether it works or not, by these yardsticks. Please feel free to comment as you wish. Per censuram eruditio.

Persuasion
Grace: Hi, Andy, what are you doing here?
Andy: Grace, what are you playing at?
Grace: What do you mean?
Andy: Mum and Dad are worried sick.
Grace: Why?
Andy: ‘Why’? Why do you think?
Grace: They think you can change my mind.
Andy: Get you to see their view.
Grace: And you’ll succeed where they failed.
Andy: Not just them – I think it’s madness.
Grace: Listen, Andy, something’s got to be done.
Andy: But why by you?
Grace: Why not me?
Andy: What can you do on your own?
Grace: Lots of things. I know about this.
Andy: Sex trafficking?
Grace: I do work at the Home Office.
Andy: No qualification for going to Bosnia.
Grace: It’s good enough.
Andy: Grace, it’s too dangerous to go alone.
Grace: Fine. Come with me.
Andy: What!?
Grace: Come with me. You could be helpful.
Andy: What would I want to go for?
Grace: To do the right thing.
Andy: I’d rather do right by staying home.
Grace: How would that help these poor women?
Andy: They’re not my concern. You are.
Grace: So come with me.
Andy: And do what?
Grace: Look after your little sister.
Andy: That’s what I’m trying to do now.
Grace: And it’ll keep Mum and Dad happy.
Andy: What am I going to tell them?
Grace: That you’ve suddenly developed a backbone.
Andy: I don’t think they’ll believe that.
Grace: Why not, you softie?
Andy: Had I, I’d stand up to you.

End of Scene

SCRIPT / DIALOGUE WORKSHOP

We all had a great time at Peter Bird's Script & Dialogue workshop on Tuesday. I've asked everyone who attended to post their mini-scripts on the Blog so you can see what we got up to !!!


INTRODUCTION
Fred and ‘Ginger’ (real name Bob) are colleagues - the dynamic duo of ‘Armand Recovery Services’. They’ve worked together for more than 10 years. Both in their 50’s. They’re bailiffs and they hate it. Both dream of retiring and taking up sea fishing in a big way. Fred is the ‘knocker’ - he deals with the people at the door and the legalities. He's slim, twice divorce with a nervous disposition. Ginger is the ‘heavy’ not a tough or malicious man he’s just good at picking up furniture. Married with three grown-up daughters at home. He’s hen-pecked and resigned to his lot in life.

OPENING SCENE
A suburb of Leeds. Pan shot of a run-down street. Its 5am and still dark outside.
Cut to Fred and Ginger. They walk single-file down a short path in an untidy garden towards a battered front door. The door is slightly ajar. The house and street are ominously quiet.

GINGER: Have y’got the warrant?
FRED: Course I ‘ave!
GINGER: Well go on then, knock an’ get on wi’ it.
FRED: It’s already open.
GINGER: What do y’ mean it’s open?
FRED: Open! Y’know – it’s open!
GINGER: Hmmm. Doors are never open.
FRED: Suppose w’ just knock and go in?

Close up of Fred as he pushes the door with his forefinger. The door slowly swings back with a creak. Fred looks back at Ginger who shrugs and gestures for Fred to go in.

GINGER: After you mate.
FRED: Isn’t it always?

Fred knocks loudly on the door frame.

FRED: Hello? Mr Johnston. Bailiffs!

There's no answer. He steps into the house. Ginger follows but stumbles over the ‘storm-drain’ and pushes Fred further into the house.

Cut to the interior of the house. Shabby, dark and drab.

FRED: Watch it! …… Jeeesus it’s dark.
GINGER: S’ok I’ve got the light switch.

A dull light comes on from a single bulb overhead.

FRED: Blood – e – hell. Look at that.

Cut to a sprawled figure lying face down in the hallway. Its hand is clutching the handle of an old fashioned suitcase. There is a pool of blood. Cut to Fred’s feet - he is standing in the blood. Cut to Ginger who is looking over Fred’s shoulder – his view obscured.

GINGER: Is it a dummy?
FRED: God I ‘ope so. It’s got no head.